Harry Smith from CBS’s “Early Show” tasted wines with Orso — er — Kyle MachLachlan and learned about Orson’s — er — Kyle’s winery “Pursued by Bear,” named for a Shakespearean stage direction in “The Winter’s Tale.”

OK, listen. I rightfully work under the assumption that most of the actors on “Desperate Housewives” DO share some characteristics with their characters, because, well, they’re the same human playing them. But let’s be real here — they’re acting. I mean, I pray/hope Teri Hatcher isn’t actually a helpless hopeless screechy self-indulged baby.

But I fail to see many difference between Kyle MachLachlan and Orson Hodge. Orson’s got a little more crazy, sure. He steals — and Kyle doesn’t. And Orson’s faux-British Madonna accent is a little more pronounced than Kyle’s. Yet … they’ve got the same tastes for fine things. His cabernet goes for $65…hardly a cheap bottle for Thanksgiving.

I’ve spent the last several years of my life doing all I can to make myself feel better about being an anti-snob (one could call me a heathen) in the snobby world of wine drinking: Going on an endless search for that best bottle of wine for $6.99 at Trader Joe’s; Mixing red two-buck chuck with Coke for something different (I know how it sounds. It’s fantastic, though — try it); Not swirling it and tasting it in that slurpy way that lets everyone know/think I make $200K a year. I don’t. I write a “Desperate Housewives” blog.

Come on, Kyle/Orson. You’re hurtin’ my cause with this stuff! At least the site for your winery is pretty adorable.

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O: Stands for one-shouldered red dress. Obviously Eva knows red look this fantastic on her. That’s why she wore it to the Hollywood Reporter’s Philanthropist of the Year Award Reception on Monday.

M: Stands for malarkey. As in, “What in the Sam Malarkey made Eva wear this dress tonight and not ALL OF THE DAYS IN THE YEAR?

G: Stands for goddess. Other than the slightly-too-much makeup, Eva totally hit this photo with Roselyn Sanchez right on the mark. And I don’t just mean what she’s wearing. The adorable pose, the smile. She’s got it.

Image: splashnewsonline.com

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She’s got a nasty-looking scratch on her forehead. Again, from what I reported yesterday, we know that both Orson and Bree won’t make it out of the plane accident. This, to me, means Orson dies.

Also, she’s picking her teeth. D’aawwwwww, how cute.

Image: Pacific Coast News

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So photographers caught Teri Hatcher on the set Monday dressed in black — ie, something she’d wear to, say, a funeral — and she knew she was in trouble when they took this shot. She shushed them as if to say, “Oh, guys, don’t let anyone know someone dies.”

Well, we know someone dies. Keep reading if you want the spoiler!

I’ve got not ONE, but TWO spoilers for you guys tonight.

1. According to E!’s Kristin dos Santos, a charter plane will crash on the street, leaving Bree and Orson trapped in their house. Kristin says “there’ll be more than one death” and says one of those will be a “fan favorite.”

“Fan favorite” translation? To me, that’s code for “someone who’s not one of the core housewives.” Therefore, Orson dies. That’s my prediction. He has to — how else is this Karl/Bree/Orson triumvirate going to resolve itself? Kristin goes on to say that another housewife will be “affected.”

2. According to E!, that’s going to be Lynette. Apparently, she’ll lose one of the twins. Or, rather, she’s going to be put in the position of having to choose between saving the baby — who has a deformity — or losing it. And in the epic saga of Lynette’s Choice, she loses the baby.

The big cliffhanger episode airs in December, and we’ll be left wondering who dies into 2010.

Do you guys think I’m totally crazy in assuming it’s Orson?

Image: Pacific Coast News

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We had a fuuuuull apartment of “Desperate Housewives” watchers tonight. (Not) Neighbor Peggy AND Erin both made it for the show tonight. We want lots of lots of Susan in jail and lots and lots of Bree/Karl.

We’re blabbing all about it during the show — on Twitter here — and I repost the tweets here! Heeeeeeeeeere we go!!

9:02: Katherine standing up during court? Yelling at Susan? …wearing a cheetah hat…and pointing fingers?
9:03: Susan looks GREAT in that dress. I’m loving her a lot lately. What’s going on? The apocalypse/2012 isn’t for a few more years.
9:04: Is it just me, or does Julie always seem to look like a kid playing dress up?
9:04: “Seriously? You think I’m going to make small tawk with you?” — Angie.
9:06: Lynette’s in Tom’s clothes. Tom’s nipping out. There’s something off with the DH world tonight.
9:08: Did Gaby just tell a priest she wasn’t asking him “to part the Red Sea” …….after she bribed him?
9:09: Isn’t the first rule of having an affair not going out in public? Why are Karl and Bree out?
9:10: Uh oh. We love Orson again?
9:10: (and by “we” I don’t mean WE we. I mean Bree we.)
9:14: Dear GOD GABY. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. Wait, bribing priests? Me saying “dear god”? Full of sacrilege tonight….
9:15: OK, Lynette, I know we don’t fit in our own clothes anymore, but why the sloppy tie??
9:16: Katherine’s krazy has caused me to love both Susan AND Katherine. How does that work?
9:22: Nuh-uh, oh hale naw. LL Cool N? How come the ladies love cool Nick?

9:22: Nick destroyed Angie’s life?
9:23: I love love LOVE how Tom and Lynette work in cahoots to accomplish something.
9:25: Peggy wants Orson and Angie to have a torrid affair. Let’s all sleep with each other’s husbands! Go!
9:26: “See, I think she’s taken a lover.” — Orson. And see, I think Orson’s stuck in 1943.
9:27: Krazy Katherine and Susan bonding time.
9:28: “The man I love chose you.”
9:29: Ahh, and there it is. Katherine’s manipulating her by telling her she and Mike had sex five times a day.
9:33: Is this a new tattoo, Mike? Also, dear Susan: Katherine was messing with you. Guaranteed they didn’t have sex five times a day!
9:34: “Juanita’s a biter.” — Gaby. Amazing. Almost amazing as she looks in that fantastic dress.
9:36: “There is no way that Bree Vandekamp is whoring it up in some filthy motel.” — Angie
9:36: Yes, yes there is a way that Bree Vandekamp is whoring it up in some filthy hotel!
9:37: “Yeah, yeah selfish Gaby, same old song, sing along if you know the words.” — Gaby. La la la la.
9:39: Gaby isn’t supporting Lynette? Lynette was the one who was discriminated against. By Gaby’s husband.
9:44: How many time is this? Is anyone keeping track of how many times Mike and Susan had sex?
9:44: “I was hoping that tonight we could…cuddle.” — Mike. Wait, what’s the problem here?
9:46: So Katherine wasn’t lying? This five-times-a-day thing is real?
9:47: Angie’s got loyalty to Orson? Peggy and Erin say she’s just nosy.
9:49: Oh MAN. ORSON. IN. THE HOUSE.
9:49: ….resulting in nothing because Bree’s a perfectionist at everything, even sleeping around.
9:50: Angie is a good friend. Thought she had the loyalty to Orson…I was wrong.
9:51: I just ask why Karl has that body. Peggy asks why he’s so orange. Both are valid, valid questions.
9:57: “You’re pregnant. Wow. Great.” — Carlos. What?? How is this happening that he’s manipulating her into basically firing her??
9:58: Uh oh. Sexy barista has the hots for LL Cool N?
9:59: Wait, LL Cool N is Black Owl? Too many nicknames.
9:59: It just occurred to me. Angie strangled Julie?
10:01: Or not? Nick? That was his watch we saw, right?

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Image: Bauer Griffin

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And listen, I think even with her bad wig, Eva saved poor George’s not-funny, slightly awkward talk show.

I mean, dude even asked her to pole dance on national TV. Her response?

“You’re going to see my hoo-ha!”

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Here’s what she said:

“This week we’re shooting a big plane crash on Wisteria Lane. My character has just been knifed and is in the hospital, so I avoid the plane crash.”

Here’s what we learned:

1. Katherine’s not going to die because she’s got a death alibi.
2. Katherine … gets … knifed. Uh, what?
3. Just from the way she said that, I think Dana might have a little Krazy Katherine in her?

I don’t think anyone was theorizing Katherine was going to die, but maybe this invites a new way of looking at things? Process of elimination?

Image: Bauer Griffin

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I’m allll alone tonight. More grading for (Not)Neighbor Peggy and Erin’s being all cultural and going to a poetry reading. So, here we are. Just me, the TV, my cat and the Desperate Housewives. Remember, you can follow along with me on Twitter here! It’s a lot more fun to watch me typo DURING the show, but having it all cleaned up here is good, too.

Let’s watch Susan get arrested! Go!

9:01: “Julie Mayer was having troubles sleeping.” – Mary Alice. Uuhh…Julie Mayer is wearing too much makeup whilst she sleeps.
9:02: Wow, and just like that, two things happened: 1. We find out about how Julie and Nick met and 2. A new desperate housewife is born.
9:04: Andrea Bowen has turned into a GREAT actor.
9:06: “At least the toilets won’t talk back,” Gaby, about her daughter.
9:06: Women don’t commit this kind of crime? That’s the only reason we’re ignoring Katherine as a suspect?
9:07: “She mistook you for a 23-year-old? ” — Cop. Oh man. Amazing.
9:08: And in comes Kathy Najimy, the caring female cop. “She and I go way back. She doesn’t remember me now, but she will.” — Officer Najimy
9:09: Oh, Angie and Bree? Best. Friendship. Ever. Could they be more opposite?
9:11: Whoooa, awkwardpants mcgee time at the Bolen household.
9:11: “Orson, I never thought I’d say this to you again, but please unbutton your pants.” — Bree
9:13: I’m SO confused on the Orson/Bree marriage. We left last season with them being done done. And it seemed like the producers beefed up something that wasn’t there to make the Karl affair seem worse than it was? So now Bree’s telling Orson she never thought she’d tell him to unbutton his pants again…wouldn’t he think that was odd?
9:18: Hasn’t Bree learned her lesson? Claiming other people’s work as her own? Who’s worse to piss off? Krazy Katherine or a rough Noo Yawka?

9:19: Julie came after Nick? Do we believe this? I don’t. Not for a second.
9:20: All right. I NOW believe Nick is the reason the Bolens left wherever it is they left.
9:20: Ugh, these horrible DH Sprint commercials. Not giving them the dignity of watching. Mute mute mute!
9:26: Not going to lie, with everything else going on, I’ve got little to no interest in the Gaby/Ivana thing.
9:26: Uh oh. We can only assume this isn’t going to end well. Susan bullied her, right?
9:28: “But I’m living in my mummy’s basement.” — Captain DiPira. Wow, the crazies just keep coming this season, hey?
9:28: Hooooly ARMS, Bree!! Looking good…
9:29: Seriously, Bree. Just hire Angie.
9:30: “Omg, Moose! … no, the animal moose. That was her nickname.” — Susan. Yep, a bully.
9:31: “It’s like a meeting of the I Hate Susan Club.” — Susan, about Moose and Krazy Katherine. How do you sign up? Are there dues?
9:38: Uh oh. Angie’s catching on to Bree’s recipe-pilfery.
9:39: Lynette told Tom. This puts me at ease for some reason. I love Tom.
9:39: “We watched you grow up. You’re like a daughter to us. We can’t stand by and watch you do nothing.” — Tom. Case in point.
9:41: Gaby scrubbing someone else’s floor … in white pants … now THAT’S something I never thought I’d see.
9:45: There’s my answer. They’re still on the divorce track.
9:46: “Do you hear that? I think Celia fell down.” Ooohhh, right, the other OTHER kid.
9:48: That was some baaaaaaaaaad fake crying, Eva.
9:48: Yes! Bree looking scrubby, rough and unkempt as she’s coming to grovel to Angie.
9:49: Wow..WOW. I am in LOVE with this bonding scene with Bree and Angie.
9:50: “There we are. You think I’m vulgar — I’m sorry, ‘candid’, and I think you’re a tight ass.” — Angie. I just fell in love with her.
9:53: Ah, there it is. Susan’s going to get arrested for not reporting an accidental shooting?
9:53: …CAN you get arrested for that?
9:58: Tom and Lynette reporting the Nick and Julie’s affair…
9:59: “Why were they asking about me?” — Nick. “I guess because you were having an affair with her?” — Angie, nonchalantly.
10:00: And then the punch to the face. And THAT’S how we do it in Noo Yawk, fools.
10:00: Susan reading “Crime and Punishment” in jail. What?

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Bree asks for a divorce: Does that mean we’re going to get a full-on Karl/Bree relationship? I’d be willing to bet either Orson or Karl are one of the people who die in the plane crash……

Susan getting arrested: By Kathy Najimy (!!) … what’d she do? From the looks of it, she’s no doubt giving bad advice to an undercover cop about this “you deserve to be happy” business. Think she’s sexually harassing her? Or convincing her to seek revenge against a possible man who’s wrong Officer Kathy?

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